CinemaSins: Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time X
by Alex Popp
Summary: We're now moving into the REALLY sinful ones. This one could have been great, but it's marred by an overload of conspicuous CGI and a climax that all but ruins the movie.


Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time X: The Great Longneck Migration

in 11 minutes or less

Spoilers!

(duh)

Narrator: Millions of years ago...

**Skip! (ding)**

Narrator: Though very different from us in many ways, these ancient giants also resembled us in some ways too.

**Argh! Now back to what we went through at the beginning of The Big Freeze! Skip. (ding)**

Narrator: And sometimes, perhaps, they even dreamed.

**And a segue into the story as bad as that in The Big Freeze. Great. (ding)**

Littlefoot: Phew. It was just a sleep story.

**So that's what dinosaurs call dreams, eh? Funny, I seem to remember Littlefoot saying in The Secret of Saurus Rock...**

Littlefoot: Just a bad dream. **(ding)**

**How could Ducky miss? All she had to do was jump, or hell even step off the rock to tag Spike, and all he did was just change his position. (ding)**

(Ducky readies herself to tag Cera from behind)

Cera: Don't even think about it.

**Ducky is only startled by the fact that Cera knew what she had in mind from behind her. (ding)**

Littlefoot: Can't catch me!

Ducky: I'm right behind you.

**Did Ducky just use a contraction?! (ding)**

Petrie: You know hear? You it.

Littlefoot: Huh?

Cera: What part of "it" don't you understand?

**I wouldn't understand any part when you play the pronoun game. Oh, you were talking about tag, weren't you? (ding)**

Petrie: Me have sleepy stories about flying way up over high hills and tall trees.

**This is not improbable. (ding)**

Cera: Threehorns never have sleep stories. They're for babies.

**Cera is still a brat. (ding)**

Cera: There's not a rock in the whole Great Valley that I couldn't crack with my head.

**It's not so much your head that cracks any rock, Cera; it's what comes out of your head. (ding)**

Grandpa: We might leave tomorrow.

Littlefoot: A journey. (he smiles as he goes back to sleep)

**It's not every movie I go on a journey. Wait... (ding)**

Ducky: What kind of journey?

Petrie: You mean like a trip?

**No, he's talking about the 80s rock band. What did you think he meant, Petrie? (ding)**

Littlefoot: Sort of like...an adventure.

Ducky and Petrie: Ahh.

**Every LBT character is interested by the word "adventure" as though it's something they rarely experience. (ding)**

**One of the characters must have read the script and carved a log in the shape of a crocodile's head, because a log taking that shape doesn't happen naturally. (ding)**

**Never mind, it's an actual crocodile trolling them. Littlefoot stepped on the thin top half of the snout and it didn't break. (ding)**

Cera: _Well, I won't say goodbye_

**What. An. Asshole. (ding)**

**Cera's foot moves through that log. (ding)**

Petrie: _Will there be things that ouch your feet?_

(the imagining of lava occurs with the line of the song, and Spike is standing on a rock in the lava)

**Petrie is a dick to Spike. (ding)**

Ducky: _Will you be brave?_

(Littlefoot is sticking his nose in the air with his eyes shut)

**Littlefoot now decides to be haughty about going on an adventure without his friends. (ding)**

Grandpa: Littlefoot, it's time.

(in this shot, he has fewer wrinkles)

**Hey, Grandpa just got younger in a jump cut. (ding)**

(two frames later, his face is a different color than usual)

**And now he just got older and greyer. (ding)**

Cera: Who would want to go on an adventure with a bunch of longnecks, anyway?

**Uh...you would? Don't you remember singing with the rest of them...**

Cera, Petrie, and Ducky: _We want to go adventuring too_

**Cera changes her mind like a girl changes clothes. (ding)**

(the shot zooms through a misty canyon while we hear Littlefoot and his grandparents' voices echoing)

**Movie tries to trick us into thinking this is another dream by having their voices echo. (ding)**

Littlefoot: I'm glad we're not there yet. I don't like this place.

**Then wouldn't you want to be there? The way you put that was really confusing. (ding)**

**Grandpa's face turns grey again. (ding)**

**There are no other rocks or rotten logs outside of the ones that form the path across the swamp. (ding)**

**The prey appears in the predator's eye cliche. (ding)**

**Sue Ex Machina. (ding)**

**Also, the character's name is Sue, obviously because she's a supersaurus, but the only thing I'm thinking about is the fact that Sue is the name of the most famous t-rex that's ever been found. (ding)**

Sue: What's the point of having big feet if you don't step on bad guys every now and then?

**Yeah, because small feet could just as easily support the 38 tons that a supersaurus weighs. (ding)**

Cera: (before she awakes from her dream) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**No. (ding)**

**Yeah, Cera seeing her dad sleep like that was essential to her decision to follow Littlefoot. Oh, f*ck it. That was pretty funny.**

**Cera is a dick to Ducky. She expects her to know exactly why she's waking her up. (ding)**

(Cera throws a big piece of fruit and Petrie, sending him flying out of bed and falling to the ground)

**Cera is a dick to everybody in general. Like this is new information. (ding)**

Petrie: How we find them anyway? They long gone.

Cera: One good thing about longnecks, they leave big footmarks.

**And one good thing about footmarks is that they're always there when these movies need them, and only then. (ding)**

**How long have they been migrating exactly? The moon was full at the beginning of the movie, and now it's a crescent. And then it's full again at the end. (ding)**

Grandma: I think so Littlefoot. We'll see.

(the tint turns red and the landscape fades into a desert)

Littlefoot: But what are we going to see, Grandma?

**A time transition occurs and Littlefoot and Grandma still continue with their conversation. (ding)**

**The crocodile is so scary that everything around turns red when he strikes. (ding)**

(a shot of Cera running with her teeth clenched, but we still hear a scream from her)

**Cera has now become so good at screaming that she doesn't need to open her mouth when doing it. (ding)**

**The crocodile begins to head for Cera, but then says "F*ck that. I'm gonna go for this flyer that I don't even know is going to fall yet." (ding)**

(Petrie is in the mouth of the crocodile until a tree falls on its neck causing Petrie to fly out)

**The crocodile goes for 15 seconds without swallowing Petrie. Did Petrie just taste so good that it wanted to hold him in its mouth for as long as possible? (ding)**

(the gang runs through the swamp while the crocodile is trapped underneath the tree)

**So much for not wanting to step in the icky goo. (ding)**

(the gang sleep next to a "rock" that has the obvious shape of a sharptooth)

**Raise your hand if you think that's nothing but a boulder. Now put your hand down if you're under the age of 5. (ding)**

(Littlefoot looks out into the distance to see many longnecks entering a giant crater)

**If you look closely, you can see Ali in the distance. (ding)**

Cera: Ducky, wake up! (skip) Petrie, let's go! Get up!

**Cera would make a great military sergeant. (ding)**

Pat: You little ones gonna be okay on your own?

Cera: Us? Sure.

Pat: Then I'll just be moseying along.

**Any adult would insist that they stay close to him after a f*cking sharptooth almost ate them! (ding)**

(Littlefoot reaches the top of the crater's edge to see a valley filled with longnecks below)

**If you look closely, you can see Doc down there. (ding)**

**Oh yeah, there was that deal with Sue trying to find someone taller than she was. I can't believe I forgot. That subplot was so essential to the movie. (ding)**

Littlefoot: What is this place, Grandpa? (skip) It looks like a big hole.

**You don't say? (ding)**

Bron: Shorty, what's going on?

**Is it supposed to be ironic that Shorty is the bully here, and Shorty is often the name given to little kids that bullies pick on? (ding)**

(Littlefoot runs over longnecks' feet after learning that Bron is his father)

Random longneck: Who's kid is that?

**Haha. Somebody asking who's kids that is after we just found out. (ding)**

(Cera, Ducky and Petrie stand in front of a rushing river)

(Pat appears)

Pat: Maybe I could help.

(they scream)

**Must you guys scream at everything? (ding)**

(Cera backs up for a good running start to leap across the river)

Petrie: You go any farther, you be back in Great Valley.

**What's that supposed to be mean? (ding)**

(Pat jumps onto a boulder in the river, and then jumps the rest of the way across)

**Neat, but was that necessary? Surely being a giant sauropod, he could have just walked through the river. (ding)**

(in a flashback, we see Bron with Littlefoot's mother, who is blue for some reason)

**The director would have had to have seen the first movie to make this story happen, so he didn't take note of the color that a character is? Littlefoot's mother was not blue. (ding)**

Bron: I went off to find a new home for all of us.

**Which would mean the Great Valley, right? Because that was the place that every dinosaur was talking about at the beginning of the original. If so, Littlefoot's mother knew how to get there, so why did Bron have to leave to find it first? (ding)**

**Also, this place doesn't look like the dry wasteland that was everywhere outside of the Great Valley in the first movie. (ding) **

Bron: I met a group of young longnecks wandering in the wilderness with no grown ups to protect them. At first I hoped one of them was you. But I soon realized that wasn't the case.

**But how? (ding)**

Littlefoot: _Who will lift you up when the water's too deep_

**Bron lets Littlefoot jump into the water here only to lift him out upon hitting the surface. (ding)**

**Pat and the kids are obviously going in the same direction as Littlefoot, his grandparents, and the rest of the longnecks. Did they all decide to walk through a field of volcanic rock with rivers of lava? (ding)**

Pat: Anyway, so the night circle grabbed the great circle...

**Even if one really believed that the moon was a living, breathing thing, how can it grab the sun? Are its arms invisible like the characters from VeggieTales? (ding)**

Pat: But there just so happened to be a herd of longnecks standing down there, and they stretched their necks up and caught the great circle on their heads and shoved it right back up into the sky. Now how about that?

**How about bulls*it? (ding)**

Bron: A sharptooth would never attack a group this size. Remember, they only hunt in twos and threes.

**Except we saw a pack of four velociraptors in The Time of the Great Giving. (ding)**

Littlefoot: I just felt like sleeping here tonight.

Grandpa: We've missed you too, Littlefoot.

**You haven't even visited each other since Littlefoot and his dad found each other? I'd think that Grandma and Grandpa would like to have had some time around their son-in-law after years of separation. (ding)**

Littlefoot: It's still kind of dark, and you're out here all alone. My dad probably wouldn't like it.

Shorty: Oh, right. Like he'd care.

**Has Bron entirely forgotten that he's responsible for Shorty? I mean, he must have told him to come to bed the night before. (ding)**

(Shorty sends a small landslide or rocks down the hill, tripping the sharptooth)

Cera: Good idea!

**Of course. Rocks! Who'da thunk it? That's only what they've been using as weapons throughout the entire series. (ding)**

**Time for a new plan, guys. The rocks are now just piling up next to the sharptooth. (ding)**

(Littlefoot and Cera try to help Pat get up)

**Hey, Shorty, Ducky, Petrie, and Spike. Don't bother helping out. (ding)**

(the kids' screams wake Bron up)

**Uh, no. I know their screams are loud, but not that loud. (ding)**

Bron: Littlefoot!

**I love how he was able to recognize Littlefoot's scream when it was synchronized with everyone else's. (ding)**

(the sharptooth rams Pat with his head, sending him tumbling several feet back)

**Uh, no. That sharptooth's skull is shattered. (ding)**

**Bron Ex Machina. (ding)**

(two more sharpteeth appear)

**Which is the bigger sin, the fact that two more sharpteeth appear at this very moment, or that one of them is the grey sharptooth from the swamp? (ding)**

Random longneck: Don't go. Sharpteeth are out there.

**Is every longneck other than Bron, Pat, Grandma, and Grandpa so big a coward that they won't go down and help? S*it, earlier Bron said...**

Bron: A sharptooth would never attack a group this size.

**So everyone just go down and chase them away! (ding)**

**All these sharpteeth are just biting the air. (ding)**

(Cera runs back and forth repeatedly between Pat and the grey sharptooth)

**sigh Cera, you're dumb. (ding)**

(the sharptooth begins to stumble backward)

(Shorty gets under its foot, and it falls down the hill)

**No, he's squished. (ding)**

**Do thunder and lightning usually occur during a solar eclipse? Or meteors and swirling clouds for that matter? (ding)**

(after the eclipse is over)

Littlefoot: Dad! We did it!

**Did what? You were just standing with your necks stretched while nothing was happening. You didn't even see the sun fall. (ding)**

**Also, why did all these longnecks even have the dreams if all it led to was this? Well good job, fate. You just gave this movie 10 more sins. (10 is added with a ding)**

Cera: Longnecks save the world. This is gonna kill my dad.

**Not really. If anyone didn't go blind from looking straight at the sun, they would have seen what was really going on. (ding)**

Cera: _I'll see you in my dreams_

**Back to 'dreams' now, are we? (ding)**

Littlefoot: Grandma and Grandpa really need me. And I need them. And my friends.

**Not to mention the franchise can't go on without me. (ding)**

Bron: Who knows? One of these days I might drag my whole herd over to the Great Valley for visit.

**So then you're a regularly migrating herd? If not, then why couldn't you just stay in the Great Valley? (ding)**

Bron: I love you, son.

Littlefoot: Me too.

**I love me too, yes. (ding)**

Narrator: Littlefoot had found his father. And had saved the world.

**Even the narrator believes it. (ding) **

Ducky: (voiceover) I just have one question: Do we have to go back to the swamp?

**Way to go out on a high note. (ding)**

**Movie Sin Tally: 95**

**Bonus Round**

**LETS GET READY FOR SCREEEEEEAAAAAAMMMMMSSSSS!**

**+1**

**+1**

**+3**

**+3**

**+1**

**+1**

**+4**

**+4**

**+4**

**+4**

**+1**

**+1**

**+2**

**+3**

**+3**

**+2**

**+3**

**+5**

**+2**

**+2**

**+1**

**+1**

**+1**

**Movie Sin Tally: 148**

**Bonus Round #2**

**CGI**

**+1**

**+1**

**+2**

**+2**

**+3**

**+3**

**+3**

**+3**

**+3**

**+5**

**+5**

**+5**

**+10**

**+10**

**+10**

**+10**

**+10**

**+20**

**+20**

**+50**

**+50**

**+50**

**+50**

**+50**

**x2**

**+1**

**+2**

**+2**

**+2**

**+2**

**+2**

**+3**

**+3**

**+5**

**+5**

**+5**

**+5**

**+5**

**+10**

**+10**

**+20**

**+20**

**+20**

**+20**

**+20**

**+50**

**+50**

**+50**

**+50**

**+50**

**x3**

**+1**

**+1**

**+1**

**+2**

**+2**

**Movie Sin Tally: 3,647**

**Sentence: INCINERATED BY THE SUN**

Littlefoot: We gotta catch it!


End file.
